Hopes & Fears
by Hez-xx
Summary: Naomily. Based around Skins; Fire. Emily's back from New York after a phone call turns her world upside down & struggles with the possibility of losing the only one she's ever loved. (First attempt at writing again in two years, so reviews are very welcome)
1. Chapter 1

Cancer.

Fucking cancer.

It hit Emily like a train. Not just once or twice even. She never expected something so terrible. As little as 48 hours ago, Effy told her to return to London as soon as possible, 'Naomi needs you', of course, upon hearing that, she had no other thoughts except to be home, with her girlfriend but even then, she never prepared herself for what she was about to walk straight into. Emily had been in New York for six months & despite loving every minute of her new career path, by far the most difficult part to deal with was being away from Naomi. For years they were inseparable, side by side for near enough every moment, living life to the full with each other like they had dreamt about. She lost count of the amount of times, she'd almost book a flight back to England, after every Skype call, every time she heard Naomi's voice & her infectious giggle, every time they had to say goodbye, yet it was her girlfriend who persuaded her to live her dream, even if it meant them living miles apart. In the grand scheme of things, six months was nothing. Right now they were everything. She should have been here.

4:03am. The bright red digits of the alarm clock sent the smallest of glows around the bedroom. Unbeknown to Emily, she had been staring at the time for over an hour, her tear soaked eyes focusing on every minute that ticked away. She couldn't switch off, the gut wrenching feeling in her stomach staying with her since Naomi confessed everything hours previously. Desperate to ignore it, Emily shuffled her body around to face the sleeping figure next to her. Naomi looked peaceful. After struggling through the toughest few months of her short life, the red head knew her girlfriend was anything but, however, with Emily's presence, she managed to sleep a lot more easier than she had done in previous weeks. That was always the case, the smallest of smiles crept onto Emily's face as she remembered her first break from her intern-ship. Naomi was like a kid at Christmas, they both were. A long night catching up with one another, ended with them being cuddled up in the very bed they were both in now, Naomi huddled into her so tight, Emily could hardly move or even breathe but she didn't mind, she was ecstatic to be home. It saddened her to think how different things had got since then.

"Ems?" Naomi's voice was barely audible as she stirred, sleepily clasping Emily's fingers with her hand to ensure she wasn't dreaming. Emily was home & she wasn't alone any more.

"I'm here." Emily soothed, picking up on the slight panic in Naomi's tone of voice as she ever so softly stroked her girlfriend's cheek with her thumb. "I'm right here, Naoms."

"I thought I was dreaming." She smiled, that beautiful, heart stopping smile. It was still there to be shown, to light up the room, despite everything but no sooner had it appeared on Naomi's lips, it was gone & replaced with immediate sadness. She gripped tighter at Emily's hand. "I'm fucking terrified!" Her voice wavered with the confession.

"I know." The red head whispered, her head nodding, the tears she had earlier managed to blink away, were instantly returning. She always protected Naomi, fought her corner & defended her, against her Mum, Katie, anyone who dared cross her but this time, she felt almost helpless. "I still wish you told me, when you knew."

"I still wish I didn't have to break my promise." Naomi replied seriously.

"I can just about understand why you didn't want to. Scared, Protective, whatever but Effy..."

"Don't be angry with her." She interrupted quickly. "I begged her not to say anything. I'm so fucking proud of you for working hard to get where you are, this intern-ship, it means a lot to you."

"It does." Emily confirmed then quickly continued. "But you mean more to me, Naoms. So fucking much more." She gently captured her girlfriend's lips with her own & rested her head on the same pillow, tracing her finger up & down Naomi's arm as silence took over them for a few moments. It was obvious neither wanted to properly go back to the pent up conversation they had a few hours previously. Emily was angry, upset & distraught that she'd been kept in the dark, she couldn't understand how Naomi could hide something so huge but she was trying, desperately trying to look at things from her girlfriend's perspective.

"I want you to grieve forever." Naomi's attempt at humour, broke the silence.

"Shut up."

"I don't want you to get with anyone else."

"I'm warning you, Campbell." Emily spoke quickly & propped herself up on her elbow, so she was leaning over her other half. The slight playful tone that was there seconds ago, disappeared. "We're going to get through this, Naoms. You're a fighter, you never give up on anything, it was one of the first things I loved about you."

"I always thought it was my sarcastic wit & sexy body."

"Those too." She confirmed with a slight chuckle. Emily always thought Naomi was the best & most stunning thing put on Earth, that would never change. As Naomi's arm, snaked around her waist, Emily lay down once more & gently pulled her girlfriend closer, immediately feeling the warmth of her breath as she nuzzled her neck. This was the sort of thing that made her heart ache when she was in New York, endless cuddles & the warmth of their bodies together. She only wished it was different circumstances. "Call your Mum tomorrow."

"No, Em." Naomi groaned below Emily's earlobe.

"She's your Mum."

"She'll only fuss."

"That's what she's supposed to do."

"I've got you for that." She pulled her head back & met Emily's eyes in the dark with her own. "I will call her, I promise but just... Not tomorrow."

"Okay." Emily conceded, lightly placing her lips on her girlfriend's cheek.

"You should sleep." Naomi mumbled, settling herself into the crook of Emily's neck again. When the red head replied that she had got some, Naomi knew better. "Don't lie. I know you." A half smile appeared across her mouth. Partly because she was right & partly because she could imagine the fake offended look on Emily's face when she was labelled a liar. "I need my Emily awake tomorrow."

Tomorrow. Emily couldn't think of nothing else. It was a huge dark cloud hanging over everything they had ever discussed. Marriage, even kids, a long life together. It could be cruelly snatched from them in an instant & that very though petrified Emily.

Everything was so fragile. Again.


	2. Chapter 2

"Toast's burning."

"What?" Emily stumbled out of her trance at the sound of Effy's voice. "Fuck. Shit." She cursed, quickly trying to salvage the breakfast she was attempting to make for herself & Naomi, who was still in bed. Emily had been awake for no more than a half hour & after watching her girlfriend sleep for a couple of moments, she decided to slip out of bed & cook some breakfast as in a few hours, they'd be making the dreaded trip to the hospital. The very thought had tied her stomach in knots all night. To the point where she got very little sleep.

"I can help." Effy offered, placing her paperwork on the worktop.

"I think you've done enough already." Emily snapped, placing more bread under the grill. "Might not be good enough to know my girlfriend is ill but I am good enough to make her breakfast"

"I know you're upset..."

"Upset?!" Emily scoffed. "Fucking upset? I'm so angry with you, Eff."

"She wouldn't let me.." Effy tried to explain but no sooner had she tried, Emily interrupted.

"Not about not telling me, she made you promise, I can just about understand if I try really, really hard." Emily explained, attempting to keep her voice as quiet as possible, knowing Naomi was still asleep just through the wall. She didn't want her to over hear this. "Look at you, she's got the hospital in a couple of hours, do you even know that?"

"Of course."

"Liar. Too busy screwing your boss to give a fuck about her. You haven't been any kind of friend at all, she's been on her own when you couldn't be bothered. Even when you found your heart, it was time you shouldn't of had with her." Her voice was breaking but she was determined not to falter, not to cry, this was pent up anger & hurt that she had to release. "Hospital visits, comfort at night, she confided in you. You took all that from me. I won't ever forgive you for that." Sorting out the rest of their breakfast, Emily busied herself around the kitchen for a few moments as Effy stayed silent. "Stay away today." She demanded, picking up the breakfast tray. "I don't want you anywhere near the hospital."

"Fine." Effy sighed, partly wanting to properly argue her case but she decided against it. There was no need for any more arguments. She knew Emily had reason to be angry. "Look Emily, I understand that you're pissed at me. That's fine. I would be too." She admitted before continuing with an outward sigh. "At least let me know how she gets on today. Please?"

"I'll text you."

"Naomi?" Emily whispered gently, her eyes kept closed as her arm hugged lovingly around Naomi's waist & she could feel her girlfriend's breath lightly on her neck. It tickled, sending shivers up her back but it was a feeling she missed whilst in New York. It was never easy going to an empty bed & waking up in one. She silently wished she could stay like this all day, like they used to when she'd have time off to be home from work. Endless nights love-making followed by lazy days not leaving the very bed they were cuddled up in now. "We need to leave soon."

"I know." Naomi's whisper was laced with sadness & fear. She continued before Emily said anything else. "Can we just stay like this for a bit longer?"

"Sure." Emily agreed, feeling Naomi hug her body closer. She smiled sadly, lightly placing her lips on her girlfriend's head. A little while longer wouldn't hurt. "I've been thinking..."

"Careful Em." Naomi playfully warned, a little smile on her face as she pressed her mouth against the red head's neck before pulling back, capturing Emily's eyes with her own. She could see what was about to come next was serious. She really had been thinking. Naomi wasn't sure if she wanted to hear this. "What you been thinking about?"

"You mostly." Her voice was all husky, as she whispered. Tracing her finger along the outline of Naomi's face, she continued. "New York. I'm not going back." She finished determinedly.

"Ems..." Naomi sighed, she was expecting this. In fact, she was surprised this hadn't come sooner. She forced herself to sit up, crossing her legs over, she reached over and clasped Emily's hand tight as she mirrored her movement. They were now sitting, face to face. "...This is why I didn't tell you. You've worked too hard, for too long. I'm so proud of you. I can't be the reason you give everything up."

"New York doesn't matter." Emily responded, gently squeezing their hands together. She was sure. Nothing else mattered.

"It's your future." Naomi pointed out.

"I don't have one without you." Her reply was honest. Emily couldn't even begin to comprehend a future without the only person she had ever loved. Naomi and Emily. Emily and Naomi. They were destined to always be together or at least that is what the red head had always believed. Right from that first meeting, when they were twelve. Best friends. Lovers. Soul mates. Everything. "You're my everything. You do know that don't you?"

Naomi nodded, tearfully.

"And you're mine. I want the best for you. You deserve the best." That's all she ever wanted for Emily, the best. Going as far back as college, she knew, Emily Fitch would go on and achieve something. "Eff will be here. I won't be on my own."

"Would you leave me?" Emily questioned seriously, her head tilting to the left as she searched Naomi's face. "If it were me & I told you to, would you?"

"You know I wouldn't." Naomi's answer came without hesitation. Her head shook. The thought of Emily going through this shit sent a shiver up her spine. "Never."

"Exactly." The red head responded, knowing she'd won. "I'm not leaving you. I'm not leaving you here with Effy."

"She's not a monster." Naomi smiled, Emily didn't. "Okay. Okay." She sighed, tucking a strand of hair behind Emily's ear. "I know how stubborn you are, I know no matter what I say, you aren't going to go back. I don't like this though, me keeping you back-"

"I'd rather be here." Emily spoke firmly. There was no where else she'd rather be.

"Promise me one thing."

"Anything."

"When i've beaten this..." Naomi stuttered, trying to force out some sort of belief. She could feel Emily stroke the back of her hand with her thumb, urging her to continue. "...When we've beaten this... You'll go back to New York & finish your intern-ship."

"When we've beaten this..." Emily echoed, her voice laced with more belief than her girlfriend's. She wouldn't allow herself to think of any other outcome. Naomi was always a fighter, a strong willed, determined woman who lost a little bit of everything about her when Emily went to New York. Now she was back, she promised herself to install it all back. Make her believe again. "... I've got big plans for us."

"New York, Em. I'm being serious."

"Okay." Emily's answer followed a sigh, if she was honest with herself, going back to New York hadn't even entered her mind but she agreed because she could see how much Naomi wanted it."Now who's being stubborn?"

"You inspire it in me." She whispered, resting her forehead on her girlfriend's, their noses lightly brushing off each others. Emily brought their lips together, caressing Naomi's cheek. She closed her eyes tight, kissing her back as if it was their last. "We need to go, Em." Naomi announced, a few short moments later, her eyes had caught the red digits of the alarm clock. Two hours, ten minutes. They would have to leave in just over an hour to get to the hospital.


	3. Chapter 3

Emily glanced down at her watch, nervously tapping her foot on the plastic chairs both Naomi & herself had been sat in for the last forty minutes. She hated hospitals. The smell, the noise, the way it tied her stomach in knots so much that it made her feel sick. Her gaze fell upon Naomi, who was sat close to her, flicking through a magazine she had picked up from the rack on the way in. She seemed so laid back, so calm, it was a total act of course, Emily knew but she just silently admired it for a few moments.

"Can you stop doing that?" Naomi instructed, not once lifting her eyes from the magazine in front of her. "It's highly annoying." This time, she looked up, indicating towards Emily's foot that was still knocking against her chair. Sighing, she closed the magazine she was pretending to read, tossed it on the empty chair next to her & clasped Emily's hand in her own. "Everything's going to be okay."

"Shouldn't it be me reassuring you?" Emily forced a smile, squeezing her girlfriend's hand. Typical. It was Naomi going through this shit, yet it was her making sure Emily was okay. "They're already late. What's the point in giving you an appointment time, if they never stick to it? I fucking hate these places."

"Not too fond of them myself."

"Sorry." She sighed, apologetically. "I'm not much help, am I?"

"More than you realise." Naomi answered, lovingly kissing the back of Emily's hand which stayed entwined with her own. "I'm glad you're here. Effy would always sit in fucking silence."

"We argued this morning." Emily admitted.

"Em... Fuck sake." Naomi groaned, rubbing her forehead. This was the last thing she wanted, her best friend & girlfriend arguing. "I asked you to lay off."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Emily said quickly. "I didn't sleep much, I burnt breakfast, I was totally stressing out & she was just... there-" The red head's free hand, lifted Naomi's chin so their gazes locked again. "-Hey. I'm only mad because I love you, you know that right?"

"I know." Naomi nodded. "I only asked Effy not to say anything because I love you more. You matter more to me than this... Shit." She shuffled closer, gently resting her head on Emily's shoulder, the grip of their hands never loosening. The horrible feeling in the pit of her stomach was growing & had been all morning, despite her best efforts to push it from her mind. Clenching her eyes shut, she breathed in the familiar scent of her girlfriend. That was one thing that always had a calming effect. Having Emily close. Only last week she was adamant for her not to be here, so she wouldn't see her going through this but now, she was relieved. It reminded her why she had to fight & never stop until this was gone.

"Miss Campbell." The DR appeared, clipboard in hand & called out Naomi's name.

"About fucking time."

* * *

"Good to see you again, Naomi." Dr Barker smiled, indicating for Naomi & Emily to both take seats at his desk. They obliged, both eager to hear whatever news was about to come their way. "Someone new with you today also." He commented, realising that it wasn't the moody, out-spoken, up front girl she had been with on previous occasions.

"I'm Emily-"

"She's my girlfriend." Naomi finished, immediately searching under the desk for Emily's hand. She found it, gripped it tightly & felt Emily's eyes fall on her for a moment. "So er... Can we get this over with? I wanna get out of here."

"Yes. I'm sorry about the delay." Dr Barker spoke, adjusting his glasses as he glanced through Naomi's file. "There was a little hold up."

"What's going on?" Emily found herself asking, cautiously. "Just tell us, please." She begged, giving a reassuring squeeze to her girlfriend's hand.

"I'm afraid the radiotherapy isn't working quite as well as we hoped, Miss Campbell."

"Wh... What?" Naomi's voice hitched in her throat. Bad news, she knew it. She fucking knew it. "But you said there was a good chance-"

"I said it was there was a possibility." Dr Barker corrected before continuing. "We are more than happy for you to try another round of radiotherapy, if you wish-"

"What's the point if it's not working?" Emily asked, forcing herself to keep her emotions in check. Naomi was shattered, she had to be the brave one, the strong one, for them both.

"- We can try. There's every chance but at this stage, I would say chemotherapy is the best option for you."

"No. No... I er... I'll come back for radiotherapy-" Naomi stuttered, feeling Emily's eyes burn through her. "-I don't want chemotherapy. If I can do this without, I will."

"Naomi-"

"Emily, don't. Not now."

"Yes now!" Emily gritted her teeth. "Fuck sake, Naomi."

"I'll give you ladies a moment." Dr Barker announced, pushing his chair from his desk & making his exit. The door clicked shut, Naomi prepared herself for Emily to come at her from all angles but she didn't. She stayed quiet, her eyes burning right through her girlfriend. Naomi could feel them, she didn't even have to look. She couldn't bare to look. Anger, hurt, fear, worry, it was all there. She knew.

"You don't understand, Em-" She sighed, staring at the same space on the floor.

"What don't I understand?" Emily snapped, harshly. She reluctantly let go of Naomi's hand, running her own through her hair. "This isn't some fucking sickness bug that will just disappear, Naomi. It's cancer."

"I know!" She wept. "I know what it is."

"It could kill you." The red head's hurt was clear, her voice broke mid sentence. She didn't feel so strong any more. "Naomi-" Emily reached out, her fingers touching her girlfriend's chin. "-Please look at me." She tilted Naomi's head upwards, her eyes growing watery as she caught glimpse of those now looking back at her. She always hated when Naomi cried. It made her heart shatter.

"I'm scared." Naomi admitted, tearfully. "Chemo is awful, Em. I looked it up. It'll make me so sick, i'll lose my hair... It'll take everything from me."

"You heard what Dr Barker said, it gives us the best chance."

"I don't want you to see me like that." The very thought of it made Naomi shudder. "It's not fair on you."

"None of this is fair, Naoms." Emily replied truthfully. She reached out, softly wiping a tear from Naomi's cheek with her thumb. "I love you." She said it with so much meaning, everything she had, she poured into the three words she had said to Naomi so often. "This is shit, this is so shit but i'm not going anywhere. I know it's going to to be hard, I know how scared you are but we're in this together, okay? Whatever is thrown at us, we deal with, together. Naomi & Emily, against the world, remember?"

"Yeah." Naomi managed the smallest of smiles, through her tears. She remembered when Emily had said that to her before. Years ago now.

"I can't lose you now." Emily stated then corrected herself with more determination. "I won't lose you now. Please, please fight this, do whatever it takes. Be brave."

"I'll look weird without hair." Naomi replied, doing her very best to not spill any more tears. She chewed her lip, sighed & forced a smile. Already being as brave as she could be. "Less hot."

"Fuck off!" Emily scoffed, gently tugging the bottom of her girlfriend's jumper to pull her closer. She brushed their lips together, softly, lovingly. Reaching up to cup her face, she broke away after a few short seconds. "That's just not possible."

"I wouldn't be so sure."

"Yeah well, I would." Emily stated. "You'll always be beautiful to me." Naomi smiled, a genuine smile. Hearing Emily say things like that still had the same effect as it always did, heart warming, pulse racing. However terrified she was, however much chemotherapy scared the shit out of her, she knew there & then that she had to agree to it, agree to battle & fight with every last ounce of her energy until this cancer was gone.

"I'll do it." Naomi confirmed, finally. "I'll do the chemotherapy."


	4. Chapter 4

"Naomi!" Effy urgently jumped from the sofa & greeted her best friend with a comforting hug as she arrived through the door of their flat. "I've been calling you, both of you." She continued, pulling from their embrace, a worried & concerned look spread across her face. It wasn't like Naomi to be so quiet but she understood why Emily was, having left on terrible terms earlier in the morning.

"Sorry." Naomi answered apologetically, slipping off her jacket. "My appointment was late. Then we went for a walk. I thought you'd be out-"

"Not tonight." Effy answered. Emily immediately interrupted, offering to make some tea & as she walked off into the kitchen, Effy mentally noted that she would need to try & amend things with her later, for all their sakes but Naomi's mostly. The last thing she needed was any more stress from the people who were supposed to be making things as good as they could be. "So, how did it go?"

"Well i'm not dead yet." Naomi quipped, loud enough for Effy to hear but quiet enough so Emily couldn't. It wasn't something to really joke about. "The radiotherapy isn't working-"

"Shit." Effy cursed. "Fuck. So what now?"

"Chemotherapy." She felt herself gulp, already she hated that word. "Day after tomorrow."

"That'll give you the best chance."

"That's what Emily said." She could feel a smile creep onto her face as she watched her unaware girlfriend over Effy's shoulder. She busied herself in the kitchen, making tea & cleaning away some things that had been left around. No sooner had it appeared, it was gone again. "This is killing her."

"She's brave."

"That word has cropped up a lot today." Naomi sighed, moving over towards the sofas. She plonked herself down, Effy following seconds later. "She's not going back to New York."

"Did you really think she would?" Effy questioned, already knowing the answer before Naomi's head shook. "You shouldn't feel guilty, Naoms. It's her choice. She wants to be here, with you."

"I'm glad she's here. I am." Naomi replied. "I just don't want her to throw her future away. I made her promise to go back, you know, after all this shit is over with. You've seen her stuff, she's worked really hard, too hard to give it all up."

"I think she's more concerned about you giving up."

"I'm not gonna do that." She answered seriously, once again looking over her friend's shoulder to allow her gaze to fall on Emily. The reason she wouldn't give up. "I love her so much, Eff."

"I know." Effy's lips curved to a smile. "I can piss off if you want some time with her."

"This is your flat too." Naomi pointed out, a slight chuckle in her tone. Effy had hardly been at the flat since Emily returned. Whilst she was grateful Effy was giving them some alone time, she didn't want her friend to think she had to make plans every night. "You've given us enough space lately, you don't need to fuck off all the time."

"I'm hardly Emily's favourite person at the moment."

"Yeah, about that-"

"I'll sort it." Effy replied quickly, eager to soften Naomi's worries. "I promise."

-x-

"Ems." Naomi whispered in the dark, slipping her arm over the body that lay next to her. Cuddling the warm figure closer, she found her voice again, a little louder than before. "Are you awake?"

"Hmm." The red head groaned in response.

"Thank you." Naomi replied, her lips finding Emily's lovingly. She dragged her thumb across her girlfriend's cheek, willing to deepen the kiss she had longed for before parting. "For today."

"Today?" Emily asked, shifting onto her elbow so she was hovering above her girlfriend. "I didn't do anything, Naoms."

"You did." Naomi insisted, her finger drawing circles on Emily's bare shoulder. "You never ever give up on me, do you?"

"Never." Emily's whispered gently. Despite the darkness, Naomi could see Emily's head shake. This girl had stood by her through everything, good & bad, she was there, in Naomi's corner, fighting everything that came at them.

"I'm going to call my Mum tomorrow." Naomi paused, resting herself on Emily's shoulder as they lay down. Once comfortable, she closed her eyes. "You were right, she needs to know." Emily slipped her arm around Naomi's waist, gently pulling their bodies closer & after a few moments traced her fingers along to bottom of her back. It was soothing, it was something that Emily did quite frequently when they were laying in bed together & instantly she felt Naomi relax.

"Try get some sleep, Naoms."

-x-

"How is she?"

"Tired. She's finally asleep." Emily mused, quietly closing the bedroom door behind her. It was getting late but she couldn't sleep & had spent the last half hour, watching her girlfriend do exactly that. Instead of laying in bed, with her mind ticking over, she decided to at least try & make amends with her friend. "Listen, Eff, about this morning-"

"Forget about it, it's fine."

"No, it's not. I said some stuff I shouldn't have."

"You were angry, scared." Effy replied, waving a bottle of wine in the air that she had taken from the fridge. Emily nodded, accepting the offer of a drink. Pouring two glasses of wine from the bottle, Effy handed one to her friend before taking a seat, tucking one leg under her body. "I understand, Emily & I am really sorry."

"Naomi made you promise." Emily sighed & sat herself down. Staring into her wine glass for a few seconds she eventually averted her eyes towards her old friend. "I know how she can be. Difficult, stubborn-" She found herself smiling slightly. As difficult & stubborn as Naomi could be, she knew she wouldn't change her.

"She convinced herself she was protecting you." Effy stopped, taking a mouthful of alcohol. "Once she thinks she's keeping you safe, nothing changes her mind. I did try, a lot."

"I know." Emily replied. "I don't know about you but i'm far too tired to fight with you, Eff."

"Thank god for that." Effy quipped. "I don't want to fight with you either."

"So, friends, yeah?"

"Of course." Effy confirmed with a smile, taking a gulp of her wine. "Can't you sleep?"

"I don't think I have, properly, since i've been back." She traced her finger around the top of her wine glass & bit her lip, forcing herself to be strong. Effy noticed & reached out, placing her hand on Emily's arm.

"Hey-" She whispered. "-She's going to be okay."

"Bit of a relief to hear someone tell me that." Emily sniffed, forcing a grateful smile. She reached into her pocket & pulled out some money, forcing it into her friend's hand, who looked confused for a moment. "Naomi's rent money. I know it's not all there-"

"What? Emily, I don't want this." Effy protested, immediately handing the money back. "You don't have to worry about this stuff, it's fine."

"You sure? I don't want to take liberties."

"You aren't." She answered back. "Just concentrate on Naomi, yeah? She's all that matters right now."


End file.
